How to “Weatherproof” Your Marriage
Did you know that about 50% of first Christian marriages end in divorce? In fact, statistically speaking, there is very little difference between the Christian population and the non-Christian population when it comes to marriages failing. And amazingly, second and third marriages have an even much higher chance of failing than first marriages (70-80%).
Next time you are sitting in Small Group or Sunday School, look around and imagine that half of the marriages around you are (statistically) going to end in divorce. No one thinks their marriage will be one of the ones that fall apart. So how can you ensure that your marriage will survive?
I’m no marriage expert, but I have been married for 42 years, so I do have some experience in this area. Additionally, my wife Dare and I have survived one of the experiences that are often the death knell for marriages. Families with a child with disabilities experience a divorce rate of around 80-90 percent. I love my daughter Linley, and she has taught me empathy that I never had before she was born. Her life is truly a miracle because she was not expected to survive the medical mistake that nearly killed her at 2-months of age. However, her physical and mental disabilities have been and continue to be a daily challenge to overcome for Linley, Dare, and me, and they certainly added an extra level of strain to our marriage over the years. At the same time, the storm with Linley actually helped Dare and I each grow in our faith and trust in God, and grow in our devotion to each other, as we only had God and each other to get us through the storm.
No one knows when one of life’s storms is going to blow your way, such as the loss of a child, a major career setback, or a health crisis. Is your marriage “weatherproofed” against the storms that might arise? Here are five things to do now to ensure your marriage can “weather” the test.
Grow spiritually.
One of the best analogies I’ve heard about marriage is that of a triangle, with God at the top corner and each spouse on a bottom corner. The closer each spouse gets to God, the closer they get to each other. When you are growing spiritually, both individually and as a couple, your marriage is stronger! It is vital that God is at the center of your marriage. Without the Holy Spirit functioning in our lives, we are surely going to revert to focusing on ourselves, and our marriage will be in great difficulty. I encourage you to take time alone with the Lord each day and find a regular cadence of prayer with your spouse. That could be weekly or daily, but make sure it is happening regularly!
Pray for your spouse.
There’s a great piece of advice for parents of young children that says, “Make sure the Lord hears your children’s name in prayer every day.” Before our kids are old enough to pray, it’s our role as parents to intercede for them and teach them to pray by allowing them to watch and listen to us pray. I think this is great advice for your marriage, too. Make sure you lift your spouse up in prayer every day. There are few people on the planet who love your spouse like you do and even fewer who understand their struggles and shortcomings like you. Therefore, you have a unique opportunity to pray for them that no one else has!
Date each other.
Caring for Linley was a 24/7 job (with most of that falling on Dare), and it could be hard to get away for time alone as a couple but Dare and I made it a priority. Sometimes, it was just getting a nurse to stay with Linley so we could go grab a quick hamburger somewhere, getting a hotel room in town for one night away from having to wake up 10+ times a night to fix Linley’s infusion pumps, or just sneaking out to the back porch to visit after the kids were asleep! But, making time to talk and listen to each other made our marriage strong. Now that Linley lives in a residential community for disabled adults and our son is grown, married, and has his own child, Dare and I have a lot more time together (when we are not caring for our aging parents). Some of our friends quickly realized after becoming empty-nesters that they didn’t really know their spouse anymore. Dare and I are still the best of friends, and there is nobody I would rather be with than Dare.
Give each other grace.
You’ll often hear in pre-marital counseling that both individuals in a couple need to be “100% whole” to make a marriage work. The sentiment is true – you can’t look to your partner to complete you because only God can do that. However, sometimes we misconstrue that to mean you and your spouse have to always be at 100%, and that is just not possible. We all have ups and downs, and bad days (or weeks or months). Sometimes you have to pick up a little extra to cover for your spouse or extend a little more grace and patience to the other. There were times when Dare was exhausted from a long day with the kids, and I knew she needed me to give 20% more than normal to help (or let a few negative comments just pass). Other times, I was stressed and tired from work and Dare had to be 30% more patient with me. Remember that you and your spouse are a team. Give your spouse grace when they need it and support them when they’re not at their best. 1 Peter 3:7 even tells husbands that their prayers will be hindered if they don’t treat their wives with grace: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
Don’t use the word “divorce.” Ever.
The word “divorce” should be like a four-letter word in your marriage. Dare and I have never said the word, we don’t think about it, and we certainly never bring it up when we’re disagreeing. The concept of divorce is just not an option for us and we would never even consider it. Remember that your marriage is a covenant between you, your spouse, and the Almighty God. Even considering breaking that covenant or using it as a threat is not something that should even be in your thoughts or in your discussion.
Dare is the best gift God has given to me outside the gift of His Son Jesus. Christian marriage is truly a gift from God, but our culture and even the Church often treat it like we have the gift receipt and can just exchange it anytime. God is not Amazon, and Christian marriage is a covenant made before God. Invest today in your marriage so no matter what storms come your way, you can come through it stronger than before the storm hit, like the storm with Linley has done for us.
If you are already experiencing stress in your marriage, I encourage you to seek out a licensed Christian counselor near you. Just like you’d go to a doctor if you were sick, you need to seek professional Christian help if your marriage is in trouble! A great resource for locating a Christian counselor is available at https://www.christiancounselordirectory.com/. I recommend looking for a Christian counselor with their LPC certification or trained at a Christian seminary.